Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Middle Life is Confussing...

Focus on the negatives, and you will only see troubles. 
Focus on the positives, and you will only see blessings. 

So teach many sayings about living focused on what's good in one's life.  In general, I whole heartedly believe in living a life counting one's blessings. Through many difficult times in our family's life it has been that focus that has gotten us through to the other side of challenges in one piece. Often I am reminded that so many people in this world face challenges so much greater than I have had to face. Odds are I will never face challenges as great as some have no choice but to experience. 

I live in comfort and safety.

I am surrounded by love.

I have learned healthy (mostly) coping skills when faced with struggles.

I have a good support network of friends and family who are there for me when I can not cope with a challenging situation on my own.

I live a blessed life. It's small, and quiet, and simple, but it is blessed.

That being said, I'm dealing with a struggle in life, a struggle in a very important relationship, over which I seem to be having a hard time keeping the right perspective. I'm having a hard time focusing on positives knowing that by ignoring the negatives that are making me feel troubled, no change is being encouraged.

I've been sitting with that concept of change, knowing full well that the only change I have the ability to affect is my own reaction and attitude. I can not change someone else's actions. At the same time, when does one voice one's thoughts and feelings, not to control change, but simply to be heard? My comfort zone, my learned, safe, go-to coping mechanism, is to say nothing and internalizing my frustration. I'm especially not good with verbally discussing emotionally charged troubles. Discussions always ends with me in tears, unable to fully express my thoughts and feelings. I have a very strong fear-of-saying-something-wrong filter. I'm much better at putting my thoughts down in written words. While maybe not always the right solution to every conflict, I guess at least I have that going for me. 

While I'm sure my keep-quiet approach has served me well in many a moments, I don't know that I've ever spouted off at the mouth later to regret my verbal tantrum, is it always the right response? Given the fact I know I am someone who often has the need to feel in control if my life (and yes, I know thinking we have the ability to control anything in life is an illusion), I question if my issues are dissatisfaction of not feeling in control? Am I trying to gain control? Control someone else? I know what it's like to feel controlled by someone in your life. It's not a good feeling. Do I give others that same feeling when I want to talk to them about bumps in our relationship?

No wonder someone started the psychiatric field of study and practice...middle life, and all the seen and unseen warts we carry with us during this time, are so confussing!


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