Tuesday, April 10, 2012

These Words...

I sit down and type these words. With the completion of this post it's a practice I've completed 671 times. That fact blows my mine. Sometimes posts are written all in one sitting. More often they are pieced together while I make dinner, check on baths, give kisses good night. I write a post, edit, and publish. Sometimes I write a post and delete. Words written, never shared.

What is this spot? A place for memories? A place for thoughts? Simply a place to share a little bit of my perspective?

I often think "How would I feel if my Mom read this post?" because I know she will.

Sometimes I think "How would I feel if some day my girls, or their kids, read this post?" because I hope some day they will. This is their story too.

This blog is probably the closest thing to a memoir I will ever write. I think about how much I would enjoy reading my Mom's thoughts through the years as she lived the joys and challenges of our life when I was a kid. It would be fun to fill in the details of the joyful times I remember. I often think it would help me better understand (and find for myself) how she found the strength to just keep moving forward during the times of struggle.

Yesterday I wrote a post. Well, part of a post. About a struggle. Today I deleted those words and wrote these in their place.

It has occurred to me recently that maybe I share too much here. That maybe some thoughts are better left in my head. The beauty of blogging is it's a way for some of us more introverted internal thinker kind of people to share thoughts that might never become words that pass through our lips. The challenge of blogging is never really knowing what people think or how they have reacted to what you have shared.

I worry about sharing a balance of joys and challenges that correctly reflect the blessed life that I live. I have joys...so many, simple joys. And I face struggles. We all do. But neither of those extremes individually define who I am as a person. Neither of those extremes individually defines my life. It's the parts of the whole, the highlights, the shadows, and all the colors in-between, that give life a rich depth only time can help create.

At the same time that I worry about sharing too much, I recognize that these words are part of my life. The bright spots and the shadows...they are part of my story, as I see it, at this time. And I have the fortune and the freedom to be able to share that perspective through words here. How often I wish I had more time to sit with others in my life to listen to them share some of the words of their lives. How much I wish I could hear more about their unique perspectives from where they stand right now, at this time. How powerful the sharing of words can be...and how little time we often take to do so in our busy modern lives.

Currently I'm in a bit of a shadowy place. I've decided, for now, to honor that place by acknowledging it, and in turn have decided to honor this place by not sharing the details with words. Hence the deletion of yesterday's post. It's a struggle only time, conversations with loved ones, and (more likely than not) change can help ease. It's simply part of the story of my life at this time.

Some day I hope those sweet girls of mine, especially if they have questions about how to face struggled times, take time to ask for my perspective. I will hug them long and hard, and through a few tears I will share with them my thoughts based on my experiences. And I will ask them for their own thoughts. In the end I'm guessing we will agree that it is with many words, some spoken, some written, and some simply thought, that we find our way through the shadows to brighter days.

Words...and a lot of love.


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