I've been writing this post for a while in my head. Trying to figure out how to put a positive or creative spin on my feelings. Thinking about how, as a yogi, I'm suppose to be accepting and unattached and all "puppies and unicorns" about life. (OK, not really, but you know, that's what it feels like sometimes...the puppies and unicorns part that is.) But if I try to be anything here, it's honest and real. Soooo...
I've been thinking a lot recently about relationships. I think it's partially because it's January winter. January winter sucks. I mean in the summer we get out. We go to the pool and run into people. We make plans to meet people at the park or get together for "drinks on the patio". January winter, in comparison, just seems lonely.
I think it's also because I'm already wondering where I will find myself working after the 2011-12 school year comes to a close. I work with a whole group of great people I really like being around, and there is absolutely no guarantee that I will be back with them for the 2012-13 school year. That stresses me out both because I'm already wondering about how I'm going to fill the need for me to generate income AND because the best part of my year has been the social connections I've made with my co-workers.
I think it's partially because I'm feeling...kinda sad. We've been removed from the day-to-day lives of our Grinnell friends long enough that I no longer really know their current events. And honestly we haven't been to visit, or had visitors, as often as I had expected being as there's only 60 miles that separate us from our old home and our current residence. And a few of my friendships, that I thought would withstand the distance and the challenges of life, have just...faded. And I know I should be thankful for the time we have spent together in the past without worrying about the future, when in fact I'm neurotically wondering what I did/said that has contributed to the fade. (Facebook you say...don't even get me started on how social networking is just a false sense of connection that has done nothing but helped to make me more insecure about my social networks.)
I think it's partially because there a few things happening with extended family that make me wish I had closer relationships with those whom I share genetic code.
I could probably list a number of other things going on in life, and thoughts going through my head, to try to justify (mostly to myself) my feelings. But when it comes down to it I'm just sad and mourning the loss of (or lack of) connections that I have held so close to my heart.
At the same time I'm so thankful for those relationships in my life that have stood the test of time, sometimes distance, and my (admittedly) poor relationship maintenance skills.
I'm working on 'em...