Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Truth...

I've been writing this post for a while in my head. Trying to figure out how to put a positive or creative spin on my feelings. Thinking about how, as a yogi, I'm suppose to be accepting and unattached and all "puppies and unicorns" about life. (OK, not really, but you know, that's what it feels like sometimes...the puppies and unicorns part that is.) But if I try to be anything here, it's honest and real. Soooo...

I've been thinking a lot recently about relationships. I think it's partially because it's January winter. January winter sucks. I mean in the summer we get out. We go to the pool and run into people. We make plans to meet people at the park or get together for "drinks on the patio". January winter, in comparison, just seems lonely.

I think it's also because I'm already wondering where I will find myself working after the 2011-12 school year comes to a close. I work with a whole group of great people I really like being around, and there is absolutely no guarantee that I will be back with them for the 2012-13 school year. That stresses me out both because I'm already wondering about how I'm going to fill the need for me to generate income AND because the best part of my year has been the social connections I've made with my co-workers.

I think it's partially because I'm feeling...kinda sad. We've been removed from the day-to-day lives of our Grinnell friends long enough that I no longer really know their current events. And honestly we haven't been to visit, or had visitors, as often as I had expected being as there's only 60 miles that separate us from our old home and our current residence. And a few of my friendships, that I thought would withstand the distance and the challenges of life, have just...faded. And I know I should be thankful for the time we have spent together in the past without worrying about the future, when in fact I'm neurotically wondering what I did/said that has contributed to the fade. (Facebook you say...don't even get me started on how social networking is just a false sense of connection that has done nothing but helped to make me more insecure about my social networks.)

I think it's partially because there a few things happening with extended family that make me wish I had closer relationships with those whom I share genetic code.

I could probably list a number of other things going on in life, and thoughts going through my head, to try to justify (mostly to myself) my feelings. But when it comes down to it I'm just sad and mourning the loss of (or lack of) connections that I have held so close to my heart.

At the same time I'm so thankful for those relationships in my life that have stood the test of time, sometimes distance, and my (admittedly) poor relationship maintenance skills.

I'm working on 'em...


peace

3 comments:

essjay said...

You have great thoughts down here! I know exactly what you mean - I left Cleveland to live here in Iowa convinced that I would stay friends with everyone who I held so dear. I changed jobs here in Iowa and had some very strong relationships....they only remain on Facebook. It is amazing how 'situational' relationships can be. The tie that bonds can often be work and when you take that single thing away the relationship really has nothing left to stand on. It can be hard to face. I know how you feel & hope it gets easier as time passes!

MS said...

Hmm, well I hope you're not talkin' about me! Because you know, even if we're not meeting for coffee, knitting, and yoga chats weekly, I am still thinking of you! But either way, I understand how you're feeling. It's important to find friends geographically close, I think, because you need that real human interaction!! And it is painful that other friendships fade, but I have also come to accept (in all my years of moving) that it's OK. Those friends' roles in our lives will always be important regardless of whether the friendships remain. You've learned things that you will keep with you. At least that's how I look at it! :-) ANd we can discuss more in person!!

Canada said...

Jenn, I hear ya. I'm feeling similarly. Most of my friends live over 30 minutes away and I rarely see them. When I do, it is in short bursts or over dinner where we just don't "know" what's really going on in their lives. I think this is actually an issue in women's lives. Our friendships are really important to our livelihood and yet we get bogged down being mom, wife, professional and caregiver that we put our friendships aside for others. But time and time again I hear my friends and others saying we wished we were closer, or we wished we spent more time together. Last summer I dropped over 100 people from FB; I was done. I only really cared about my close friends on FB and it (you're right) doesn't "solve" those human connections. One of my New Year's goals was to spend more time with friends. This sounds generic, but I've actively tried to make an effort. It gets tiring, especially when it's not reciprocated or others don't value the friendship as much as you do, but I keep hoping it will pay off-like last night's bowling. It was just great to sit and talk and let the kids be kids. It's small, maybe slightly insignificant moments like that, that bring out the best in us and our friendships.