Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Calm Before...

Today was a day for change.

Scott's Harley sold. Today the new owner came to pick it up. I cried when Scott went out to start it up one last time in our driveway. In fact I get a little teary just typing about it. Silly, I know. I know how much Scott really loved having/riding that bike. I'm sure in many ways it's the same way that I feel with my camera in hand, or as I'm making things with two sticks and yarn, or as I myself go cruising on my own two wheeled mode of transportation. It makes me sad to think he will no longer have that outlet. And in some ways I don't think the tears are as much about the bike as they are about what that bike represented...at least at one time.

Now two years later as Harley rolled away from our house all snugly strapped to a trailer headed to a new life, he rolled right past the newly planted For Sale sign in our front yard. A sign that signals we too will soon be embarking on a new journey. A journey so different than the one that was in the works when Harley was purchased. Not better or worse, just different. With any luck in the end hopefully a life with a bit more ease...though the road to finding that ease, I have a feeling, will be anything but easy. Between the cleaning and packing and fixing of things that need fixed to help make our house an attractive option to potential new owners and the searching and dealing and moving and settling into a new home in a new community, much work is ahead of us in the coming weeks/months. Our list of tasks for this coming weekend alone is long. Really long. I'm glad we have Advil in the cabinet long. THANK GOODNESS there is beer in the fridge long.

Long.

Driving to and from my Mom's for our Spring Break trip gave me lots of time to ponder. To work through so many emotions and thoughts that had been all collecting in a swirling pool in my head. I wrote many a blog post during those hours as we rolled down the highway. (If only I could directly hook my brain up to the computer and simply think posts...what time I could save!) Many post that will never fully be expressed here because the moment, the thoughts, the words that were spoken within are gone. Written down or not, my head feels a little more in order thanks to those long hours of contemplation.

Through this whole transition I have been waiting. Well let me clarify...since I ACCEPTED that this change was really what was best for our family and we have started taking steps towards creating it, I have been waiting. I've been waiting for the bottom to fall out of my emotions. Waiting for that little voice of doubt that normally pops up to start nagging about how things are never going to work out. Only that little voice, while it makes a short, quiet appearance every once in a while when I am tired or frustrated, has remained pretty quiet. At this point I am lead to believe my emotions are either:

A) numb and in total denial that this change is ACTUALLY happening

OR

B) really OK.

I have yet to figure out which is the reason for my calm in the face of uncertainty. A situation that usually sends me spinning. My mind tells me A. But my heart knows that we are making the decisions we are for the right reasons...and so my heart thinks B. I'm sure the fact that every step we have taken thus far has gone smoothly helps too. House dealings on both ends (the selling of our current house and the searching for a new house) have thus far been pretty painless. (Other than the fact I have TOTALLY fallen in love with a house I'm not sure is maybe the most logical option, but for which my heart melts and my spirit rejoices and that to me blows logic all to hell. After all...it's not just a house, it's a home! Fingers crossed nobody snatches it up before we have a chance.) The business contacts I have made seem to be very promising. Other than being nervous about moving to a community where we know no one and in which we will be looking for childcare options with complete strangers (a fact that causes just a bit of anxiety for this particular Mom), everything seems to be falling into place.

We love Grinnell. We love our friends here. Our neighborhood. Our local hangouts and frequent shopping stops. All those loves will be so hard to leave. But really we are traveling this path to better align our day to day actions with our priorities and life values...and that realization in and of itself has helped bring some peace to the chaos.

Knitting helps too.


peace

3 comments:

Laurie said...

I would cry at seeing a Harley being hauled away by it's new owner too...if I had one. ;-) So many big changes...deep breaths, yoga, knitting will all get you through to the other side. My thoughts are with you that all the stars are in alignment and this big transition will be smooth and exhilirating.

Marie-Jolie said...

Ah man...change can really be rough. So many lessons for us in the midst of the unknown (and yet the unknown is what I have the hardest time with).

My thoughts are with you, Jenn. As many times as I've moved, I can tell you that we've found something magical about each and every place. Your new home holds untold mysteries that you have yet to discover, and maybe you'll find answers to questions you didn't even know you had yet. :)

Om.

s said...

Jenn, we had two big moves when I was a child...when I was 10 we moved about 20 minutes away and when I was 13 we moved states. Both moves brought our family closer though because we had to hang out with each other until we all made friends...it'll all work out. I never thought I'd adjust, but I did :)