Warning...if you don't care to read talk of girlie things...menstral cycles, sex drive, emotions, etc...skip the next paragraph...or possibly this whole post. Otherwise, read on. Just don't say I didn't warn you...
I'm kinda having a needy, emotional day today. I'm pretty sure it's mostly hormone related. I've come to this conclusion because for the first time in my life I'm actually in tune with my monthly cycle. As a teen it was irregular at best. Then came the need for birth control (BC) and all the ups and downs that come with altering your natural rhythms with artificial hormones. Then we decided to get pregnant and so we threw all caution to the wind, crossed our fingers that we hadn't spent all that time avoiding pregnancy in vain, and got busy making a baby. Even after stopping BC to get pregnant I still have no sense of my normal cycle and before we knew it my body was busy growing and nurturing life. After babies, with age, with changes in weight, my body and my cycle has changed. So has my tolerance for hormonal BC. After some disastrous attempts at hormone based BC after Lexi was born, struggling through various options for a couple of years, I decided I would NEVER go on hormonal BC again. After Brea was born, and after much research, I got an IUD. I have NEVER regretted that decision. In fact it's probably the best BC option I've ever taken. And what do you know, left to follow it's own cycle, my body has fallen into a beautiful rhythm for the first time ever. No cramps, no craziness, no unexplained weight gain, no random bleeding (or total lack there of). For the first time in years I actually HAVE a sex drive. A pretty healthy one thank you very much. And not because I'm watching the calendar like a hawk, but simply because I've become more in tune with my body, I can tell where I am in my cycle by how I feel, what foods and activities I'm craving, even how my body smells. It's weird and amazing. It's comforting and empowering. I appreciate my body and it's ability to move through such an amazing cycle every month, instead of feeling like something is broken inside me. It's kinda weird for me to think of things that way at this stage of life. Because now that I'm so in tune with my body and could actually TELL you when I'm ovulating, I have no need to know since we don't plan on having any more kiddos. But still, there's some peace that comes with knowing and with celebrating the amazingness of my biology each month.
All that being said, one of the cycles that I've also come to notice is a few days of moodiness each month just before my period starts. Thankfully it's not the psychotic roller coaster that it was when I was on birth control. (Sometimes I wonder how Scott put up with me at those times!) Now normally it's just a day or two when I'm feeling a little extra needy. When I want nothing more than to snuggle my family in the comfort of my home with a warm cup of tea and a good movie...more so in the winter months when I can't take my moody self out to bask in the warmth of the sun. It's the few days each month when my usually optimistic personality allows doubt and questioning to come into my thoughts more than I would like to admit. It's not that those feelings aren't valid on some level, it's just usually I'm more able to rationally deal with them. It's those few days each month when I'm feeling puffy and can think of all sorts of things I would rather be doing than slipping on my form fitting yoga clothes to go stand in front of a crowd of people to teach class, poochy tummy and all. It's those few days each month when tears spring to my eyes so easily that even the right commercial, magazine article, or occassionally even a simply beautiful photo can get them started.
It would be interesting to follow my posts back through the past several months and see if there's a pattern to the tone of my writings. I'm pretty sure there is because when I feel like I do today, I want to write about it to help flush things out. It really does help. My little therapy spot, as I often refer to this blog when I talk about it to others.
I think that's where I am today. A little hormonal. Wishing my husband didn't work 60 miles away so we could meet for lunch, a warm hug, and a loving kiss. Wishing I could call up my Mom and tell her I was coming over for a cup of coffee instead of having the 650 miles that physcially separates us be one of the biggest factors for the reason I haven't seen her (that my girls haven't snuggled her) in almost 10 months. Wishing that I could be in the car with my brother and our friend as they road trip to Florida to fufill the wishes of a departed spirit. Wishing I could take the clutter of our house and simply shove it all into a dumpster rather than face the work that I should be doing instead of sitting at my computer listening to Pandora and writing. Wishing I wanted to go eat the grapefruit in the fruit basket instead of the chips in the pantry.
Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I know that in a day or two this too shall pass. Today (and possibly tomorrow) I simply must let these emotions be what they are. The tears are temporary. Smiles are close behind.
Now if only it were that easy to get rid of the calories from those chips!