It's a beautiful fall day here in Iowa. Tuesdays are my day off...no classes. I woke with the conviction to get things accomplished today. Cookies baked for a PTO commitment. Dishes washed. Carpets vacuumed. Laundry washed and hung to dry. And then somewhere along the way the reality of life got in my way and reared it's ugly head. Cookies are baked...and that's where the accomplishments for the day end.
The truth of the matter is, we as a family are struggling to financially hang on following the events of the past year. We're in a bit of a hole. And right now it's taking all we've got not to let that hole get any deeper. It's hard and frustrating and on days like today is the reason I suddenly and unexpectedly find myself in tears...more than once.
I struggle with how much of the situation to share here. On one hand I don't want to whine and complain. On the other I can no longer avoid the facts of where we currently stand. I can't pretend that it's OK. It's not. Life threatening? No. But it's not OK. It's exhausting trying to cover up the reality of our situation (whether it's from myself or others), to not let the rest of the world know about our dirty laundry, and to always appear that things are moving along just fine...now that Scott has a job, now that school has started, now that my teaching schedule is fuller. I'm lucky some days to have the energy to get out of bed and meet the basic needs of the day. Cleaning and organizing and so many things I have planned to tackle often get left behind with the hopes that sometime during that proverbial tomorrow I'll find more energy.
I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just where we are. I also know we are not alone. Not alone in our struggles. Not alone in our effort to cover up to outside eyes the gravity of what is our reality. People do it all the time...in all socioeconomic situations. And we are blessed to have had support, financially and emotionally, through it all...something not everyone who faces this struggle is lucky enough to have in their lives.
But on days like today, the tears still come. And I question and search and wonder how and when we will start to see the light at the end of our tunnel.